Political analyst and Fox News contributor Fred Barnes expressed surprise at the move, but agreed that Sheffield's other job would not inhibit Sheffield's performance as Deputy Press Secretary, even as Sheffield would shoulder additional duties as Press Secretary Tony Snow recovers from his bout with cancer. "Well, as you know, we have a hidden wire that runs into Tony's ear in which we tell him what to say during his daily briefings," confided Barnes. "What, that's on the record? Shit, well, its not like we didn't make it obvious to everyone when we put one of our hosts as the nation's chief communicator." Those sentiments were echoed by a previous White House Secretary, who wished to remain anonymous . "It's not as if facts ever played a role in our presentation to the media and the public," claimed the source. "My name's not Ari if that wasn't true in the lead-up to the Iraqi occupation, excuse me, liberation," he concluded.
Gary Sheffield, seen here spouting unbelievable nonsense in 2005.Sheffield's hiring is surprising to some conservatives because he has repeatedly made controversial statements in his playing career, practically none of which would seem to align politically with President Bush. In fact, his recent interview with GQ magazine have been universally condemned as not only anti-white, but also anti-anyone-who-is-not-a-descendant-of-a-previously-enslaved-person-from-East Africa.
The White House, however, disagreed and claimed that Sheffield's recent comments were instrumental in his hiring. "We were impressed that Gary could take a look at the big picture as he saw it, and stick to his belief system although conventional wisdom might suggest otherwise," said Secretary Snow. "I mean, if we listened to all the 'inside-the-Beltway' conventional wisdom mumbo-jumbo in the White House, we would just drive ourselves crazy. Or break into cold sweats in the middle of the night every night. Or resign. Or...Where was I?"
Sheffield - who had built a reputation as a clutch playoff hitter for the Florida Marlins, and then played for the Atlanta Braves - replaces the effervescent Perino. Perino became a household name while filling in for Tony Snow earlier this spring as he underwent treatment. In her last press conference, she thanked the White House for the "opportunity of a lifetime" and gushed that President Bush was the "greatest President she had ever worked for." Close confidants of Ms. Perino told a different story, however. "Basically, she was tired of laboring to come up with asinine jingoisms like 'with us or against us,' 'post9-11 world,' and 'surge' to undermine the rule of law and foster war-profiteering. She's kind of too hot to work that hard."
Too hot for this shit.News of Sheffield's hiring was received warmly around the baseball community, even among the Latino players, which were the targets of his most recent controversial comments. "You know, I think he's right. Spanish-speaking players like me are usually pretty docile and easily controlled," opined Manny Ramirez, star left-fielder for the Boston Red Sox. Even lesser-known players, such as Braves utility infielder Willie Aybar agreed that Sheffield was just being accurate in his criticism of Latino players. "Yeah, man, I'll do whatever I'm told, no questions asked. Especially when I'm sober and the team actually knows where I am and not on some ecstasy-fueled drive to Boston ." When asked for comment, Sammy Sosa only replied that "Baisbull has been berry good to me."
