Straight Out of Billy Knight's Playbook

The Falcons, as usual, made a big splash in free agency. Even Terence Moore is impressed. Call me jaded, but most of these splashes have turned out to be more like water plops. The newest big thing for the Birds is Michael Turner. I get this reasoning. Why draft the next great offensive playmaker (McDadden) when you can have the current one's backup? This is a classic Billy Knight move. Remember he thought it would be better to sign Chris Paul's understudy, Speedy Claxton, instead of drafting the man himself. That didn't work so well, for the Hawks anyway. This is taking Saccharin over sugar, Jamie Foxx over Ray Charles, or strip clubs over hookers.

Come on Dimitroff. Go for the real thing. There is a reason Turner backed up LT- because he's not the generational weapon that LT is. And I got news for you, McFaddy Daddy is better than LT. And here's another free tip to you Dimitroff, just for riding the Pettifogging express: Get Vick back next year. There are 3 simple steps to NFL domination. Step one: Draft McFaddyDaddy. Step two: smuggle clean urine into VickDog's drug rehab cell. Step three : In 2009, run the Wildcat offense on every single play. Let's see those two freaks of nature bring the wood on every play. Think about it.

VickDog and McFaddyDaddy in the same backfield. I just want to be entertained.

Oh, you have a better option at QB? That's right, I forgot you've got Matty Ice (who positively torched a down ACC this year. hint: check out the completion % and INTs. For a Senior! Are you kidding?) and Chris "Good Hands" Redman.

God, you're right, the Vickster offed a few of his lazier pit bulls. But you know, this is America, and people forgive a lot worse shit than that. Hell, just look at our fair state's history. Herman Talmadge was elected to the Senate for decades after he ran on a platform for a white primary. We still all drink 8 Cokes a day even though they tried to make everyone crackheads. Richard Jewell tried to save some lives at the Olympics, was fat, and died (well, maybe Jewell doesn't fit here, but cut some slack; how could we forgive such a portly man for not doing something that was done which we all wanted him to have done? chew on that for a sec). Scheurholz got to run the Braves for a decade and a half after he traded the Murph. Vince Dooley's name gets priority over both Butts and Mehre and he hired Ray Friggin' Goff. Obviously, all these are much less forgivable affronts to mankind, and we Georgians learned to revere them over time.

Of course, no one listens to Pettifogger. It's a given that the Falcons won't draft McDadden. That's alright, what's not to love about that strategy? Signing career backup RBs sure has worked wonders for Al Davis (hopefully Turner at least will not allegedly urinate himself while driving). I guess the practical side of me can somewhat maybe kinda sorta understand drafting line help, but God help the Georgia Dome if they draft Ryan. If I'm ever in downtown ATL, I will totally pull a Rhodes on it.

Please, do what Al Davis does.

AP: White House Hires Sheffield as Deputy Press Secretary

Washington - The White House today announced that it was hiring Gary Sheffield to replace the recently departed Dana Perino as its Deputy Press Secretary. The move was considered surprising for several reasons. Sheffield, of Major League Baseball fame, is still a full-time baseball player for the American League Central Division contending Detroit Tigers. "Hell, he's just a designated hitter," President George W. Bush replied when asked by reporters. "As you know, he plays baseball player, so we know he's a good Ohmerican," the President continued. "Did ya'll know I like baseball? I used to own the Rangers. Man, they've been doing great for a long time now. Am I good at runnin' stuff or what?"

Political analyst and Fox News contributor Fred Barnes expressed surprise at the move, but agreed that Sheffield's other job would not inhibit Sheffield's performance as Deputy Press Secretary, even as Sheffield would shoulder additional duties as Press Secretary Tony Snow recovers from his bout with cancer. "Well, as you know, we have a hidden wire that runs into Tony's ear in which we tell him what to say during his daily briefings," confided Barnes. "What, that's on the record? Shit, well, its not like we didn't make it obvious to everyone when we put one of our hosts as the nation's chief communicator." Those sentiments were echoed by a previous White House Secretary, who wished to remain anonymous . "It's not as if facts ever played a role in our presentation to the media and the public," claimed the source. "My name's not Ari if that wasn't true in the lead-up to the Iraqi occupation, excuse me, liberation," he concluded.

Gary Sheffield, seen here spouting unbelievable nonsense in 2005.

Sheffield's hiring is surprising to some conservatives because he has repeatedly made controversial statements in his playing career, practically none of which would seem to align politically with President Bush. In fact, his recent interview with GQ magazine have been universally condemned as not only anti-white, but also anti-anyone-who-is-not-a-descendant-of-a-previously-enslaved-person-from-East Africa.

The White House, however, disagreed and claimed that Sheffield's recent comments were instrumental in his hiring. "We were impressed that Gary could take a look at the big picture as he saw it, and stick to his belief system although conventional wisdom might suggest otherwise," said Secretary Snow. "I mean, if we listened to all the 'inside-the-Beltway' conventional wisdom mumbo-jumbo in the White House, we would just drive ourselves crazy. Or break into cold sweats in the middle of the night every night. Or resign. Or...Where was I?"

Sheffield - who had built a reputation as a clutch playoff hitter for the Florida Marlins, and then played for the Atlanta Braves - replaces the effervescent Perino. Perino became a household name while filling in for Tony Snow earlier this spring as he underwent treatment. In her last press conference, she thanked the White House for the "opportunity of a lifetime" and gushed that President Bush was the "greatest President she had ever worked for." Close confidants of Ms. Perino told a different story, however. "Basically, she was tired of laboring to come up with asinine jingoisms like 'with us or against us,' 'post9-11 world,' and 'surge' to undermine the rule of law and foster war-profiteering. She's kind of too hot to work that hard."

Too hot for this shit.

News of Sheffield's hiring was received warmly around the baseball community, even among the Latino players, which were the targets of his most recent controversial comments. "You know, I think he's right. Spanish-speaking players like me are usually pretty docile and easily controlled," opined Manny Ramirez, star left-fielder for the Boston Red Sox. Even lesser-known players, such as Braves utility infielder Willie Aybar agreed that Sheffield was just being accurate in his criticism of Latino players. "Yeah, man, I'll do whatever I'm told, no questions asked. Especially when I'm sober and the team actually knows where I am and not on some ecstasy-fueled drive to Boston ." When asked for comment, Sammy Sosa only replied that "Baisbull has been berry good to me."

Bad News Bears

On the heels of the recent news regarding tonight's basketball game in Lexington, I have officially decided that the 2006-07 UGA basketball team is snake bitten.

• Levi Stukes did not travel with the team for tonight's game, due to conduct detrimental to the team. Could there be worse timing?
• I have no idea what happened to prompt this suspension, but out of all the Bulldogs I hate for this to happen to Levi. I have always admired the fact that he came to Athens as Felton's first substantial recruit when he knew the dire situation left behind by Harrick.
  
• 
  
• Mike Mercer shreds his knee. How different would the Ole Miss game have been with Mercer in the line-up?
  
• Alabama (despite the fact that the entire sports world has it in for them) beats the Dogs by a bucket on a disputed (and apologized for) call at the buzzer. How great would it be to have that win in the pocket right now?
• Gonzaga's second leading scorer was suspended after his arrest for 'shroom possession. You have to be trippin' (I couldn't leave that one alone). The Dog's win over the 'Zags earlier in the year now carries less weight in the RPI as Gonzaga struggles during the second half of the season.

Trippin' Balls

At the beginning of the year, a birth in the NIT would have been a wonderful achievement for Dennis "Man Style" Felton and his troops. At this point in the season, however, it would be a shame if the Dogs could not find their way into the tournament. A victory at UK (RPI #11) tonight would seal the deal for the Dogs. A loss tonight means that the Dogs would need to win its final game or its first game in the SEC tournament. A victory over Tennessee in the final game would be a huge hurdle, especially considering the recent strong play of the Vols. Let's hope the Bulldogs can overcome this string of bad luck and find a way to sneak into the tournament. It would be a wonderful recruiting tool and a sign to the basketball world that Georgia Basketball is moving in the right direction under Dennis Felton. Not to mention, I really want to see what kind of suit 'ole Dennis would sport for a tourney run.

Have you seen me?

AWOL.

BREAKING NEWS: Slavery is bad

Following the lead of the United States Congress, Virginia’s legislators have taken a shocking stand...they renounced slavery. This is just the most recent story in a line of stories regarding the emerging threat of slavery in America. Some people point to Meth as the newest threat to the American South, however, our news media and even state legislators have taken the steps to recognize and thwart the promulgation of slavery. Why is it that elected officials are so ready to vote on non-binding and extremely popular measures instead of attacking real threats? Elected officials are attempting to become little more than individuals voting in online public opinion polls.

WARNING: Alabama may be next...Actually, let's not get too ahead of ourselves.

A Gunslinger in the Run-and-Shoot?

16 years ago, the Falcons were faced with a quarry very similar to the one they face today: Do you the trade the young and talented, bright-eyed QB for a first-round draft pick? 16 years ago, the Falcons made the (apparently) wrong choice and sent the one-year Buckhead wonder to Green Bay for Packers' top pick.

I am in no way suggesting that Slugger Schaub is in the class of Brett Favre, either in substance abuse problems or in pure God-given arm strength. In fact, I think the Falcons would be rather dumb not to cash in on Schaub's value; frankly I'm surprised they didn't do it last year when his value was at its peak. But it is interesting that the Falcons once again have managed to draft a stud quarterback which they plan only to use as a backup, particularly in light of this little piece of eye-poking from Bristol: What if the Falcons had not traded Brett Favre?

What if the Falcons hadn't traded Favre? Well, Gee, I don't know. What if your bosses hadn't decided to be located in Connecticut, and you could wake up every morning without your scrotum being frozen to your thigh? Up yours, ESPN.

Whenever some asinine talking head used to ask this question, I used to say to myself: "Pettifogger, if the Falcons had kept Favre they would have never drafted Vick!" That was a reasonable reaction for a few years, but now Vick has turned into Ron Mexico and has forgotten how to lead the team to the playoffs. So now that there's no solice anymore that we have Vick, I guess you have to consider it. The thing is, the Favre fantasy should be nothing to get too worked up about. Given the insurmountable culture of mediocrity, Favre would have been about as good as Jeff George in the ole Run 'n Shoot, but in the process he might have re-ignited the entire City of Atlanta in a drunken stupor. Count your (few) blessings, Atlanta fans.

Why no, Scarlett, that's not the Yankees. Its just our backup quarterback. Why yes, he is from Mississippi!

The Return of Fast Freddie

This news is kind of late, but recently the Falcons signed hometown fave Fred Gibson (I guess his hometown team would more accurately be called the Jaguars, but I'm sure Fred is happy to latch on with anybody). I always thought that Fast Freddie would have been given a more fair shake in the pros given his size, natural athleticism (ask Billy Donovan), and his fast playing speed. After watching him for 4 years at UGA, I wouldn't nominate him for the Steve Irwin Award for Courage for running routes across the middle, but he did make tremendous progress during his career.

Alligator Arms! Crikey!

In fact, his TD catch in his senior year to beat the Gators (where he essentially snatched the ball out of the DB's grasp) was one of the gutsiest and strong-armed grabs I've ever seen.

I have seen way too little of this in my lifetime.

One thing I've never understood about the NFL is how players from lesser-known schools, who haven't had to face stiff competition each day in practice and every Saturday, seemingly get more opportunities than players like Gibson. I know that the NFL effectively and ruthlessly evaluates talent, but take a gander at the Steelers' current roster. They have wideouts that hail from the football powerhouses of Brown, UTEP, and Tiffin. You can't tell me with a straight face that all of those guys will be much better in the League than a Gibson or Terrance Edwards, 2 UGA studs that have flamed out in the pros. I would posit that pro scouts overvalue the "chip on his shoulder" trait and are more willing to take chances on small-school talent than those "fat cats" from high profile programs.

Hope Fred makes the most of his chance. If the Falcons cut him in favor of the wondrous Adam Jennings, it will be just another reason to hate them.